I'm almost 30 and I'm still writing application essays... but I sure love ice cream
A consensus view I agree with.
Despite having applied to higher education programs on three separate occasions in the last 12 years, I find myself once again writing essays about arbitrary topics to impress an admissions committee. Albeit this time it’s for an academic grant, I can’t say that previous experience has made this task any less painful—like pulling out my facial hair one follicle at a time. But in the spirit of this substack, I will take this opportunity to publically brainstorm a response for one of the application questions: What is one mainstream or "consensus" view that you absolutely agree with?
First, I should note that it’s shockingly difficult to come up with a consensus view on anything, given the polarization in today’s society. I implore you, reader, to try. Opinions remotely related to politics, the economy, sports, or most ways of living will be at odds with at least 30%-40% of Americans, which hardly feels like a “consensus.”1 Anything short of “ice cream is amazing” will have the population of at least 10 states up in arms. Well, actually, ice cream is probably something many of us can agree on. A quick Google can confirm. And I can safely put myself in this consensus ice cream-lover camp. Let this be my view to agree with, and if you’re not already on the ice cream team, let me show you why you should join us. Specifically, why everyone should love the experience of going into an ice cream joint and ordering a scoop or two.
Obviously, the product is delicious, and the diversity of flavors in any store can accommodate most palates, even those with extreme lactose intolerance (dairy-free options abound). But what’s truly remarkable is the social process of getting ice cream with others. It often starts at dinner or on a walk with friends or family. An ice cream trigger will hit. Maybe the waiter offers the dessert menu, and someone counters, “Wait, should we just go get ice cream?” or we realize we’re near a great spot on a toasty afternoon. There’s always a half-hearted rebuttal, a faux voice of reason: “We shouldn’t,” “I’m so full,” “It’s too expensive,” but we all know we’re in; all thinking the same thing. Let’s be naughty, a little bad, it will feel so good.
When we walk into the shop, everyone is always happy. The decor is snazzy. The room is never dark. Only one thing can possibly go wrong: no free samples. This should be illegal. Fortunately, no-sample stores are rare, although COVID-19 was temporarily devastating. Sampling flavors is crucial, not just for getting extra ice cream, but for the social dance, the gamesmanship of getting as many free samples as possible without annoying the server. It’s a classic constrained optimization problem, where the best solution often depends on the present company. Let me outline a few of my favorite strategies.
Pure kindness and flattery.
If the server is smiling or in a good mood, positively engage them about anything. Compliment something about their appearance and get them to smile. If you succeed, there will be free samples galore. Pick something that’s obviously “a choice” by the server—their fun nails, dyed hair, funny t-shirt, septum piercing, jewelry, their weird neck tattoo—as these attempts at individual distinction usually correlate with intentionality and pride. I often actually hate the feature I compliment, but that’s what makes it easy to spot: my immediate sense of visceral disgust. Maybe this makes me a psychopath, but when it comes to free samples, there are no rules.
Throw your friend under the bus.
When getting a scoop with a big group, I hang back a little in line. I let others go first, and I wait for an indecisive friend to ask for a sample. I search for the sucker with no clear sample-maximizing strategy. They’re usually just happy to be there, starry-eyed, a bit indecisive, and overwhelmed by the mounds of dairy. Often, I have identified them far in advance. Maybe during dinner. This person will ask for too many samples without considering the consequences. They’re completely unaware, and I go for the kill. To the server, I’ll say: “I’m SO sorry. My friend is so needy. Can you believe the nerve?” “Sheesh, could she be more greedy?” or “Now you see what I have to deal with every day! Can you imagine?” The server will laugh, and my victim will be appalled. If I’m lucky, she will be so flustered that she will ask for another sample! I’ll come right back with: “You should apologize,” “You’re embarrassing me,” or my favorite, “I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.” Now the server is usually laughing; his coworkers are smiling. Maybe someone else in line will chime in with some sympathetic remark, offering me condolences for my high-maintenance acquaintance.
If I’ve made my kill cleanly, I can get away with murder. It’s at least a full scoop’s worth of free samples from an all-too-understanding server.
The clueless idiot.
The simplest and arguably most straightforward strategy is to play stupid vocally. “This is so overwhelming. Please help me!” “I never know what to get at these places, what are your favorite flavors?” Elicit direct empathy from the server by pandering to their expertise in ice cream selection. Everyone in the world likes to share what their favorite [insert anything (e.g., ice cream, music, travel destination)] is with others. It lets one listen to their voice and feel special. Take this essay, which highlights my favorite consensus opinion, which is quite pleasant to write since it’s, well, about me. Motivations aside, if you can get the server going about what they like, it’s usually an all-you-can-sample buffet. Although it’s always a little bit awkward if you sample their favorite flavor, but ultimately order something different.
I’m an expert sampler; there’s no denying it. I have many, many more strategies, both permutations of the above and some I must keep secret. But even with years of experience and calculation, sometimes I still miss the mark. A grumpy server stares me down, or, even worse, my girlfriend doesn’t think this shtick is funny… but that makes it so exciting. Sampling can be high variance, and ice cream sampling is no exception.
There’s little to disagree with here about ice cream and free sampling. I suppose that’s why it’s my consensus view. Because ice cream is delicious, devious, and full of flirty banter, and even if it gives you diabetes, it’s surely worth it every time.
To name a few topics that might seem like consensus but aren’t: taxes, gay marriage, abortion, vaccines, democracy, and America as a good place. No matter your stance, someone will surely disagree.
Photo of the legendary microcreamery - my favorite spot.
A lactaid-worthy read !!